Getting Hitched
by Shawn30
Summary: Chapter 3. Katherine laments a curious tale reminiscent of the Titanic... somewhat.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: "Getting Hitched"  
Written by: Shawn**

** Chapter 1/5**

**Summary: Who knew getting married to the man you love was so hard.**

**Rating: PG-14 for language Timeline/Spoilers: Everything that is canon throughout PR to the end of DT is canon here, lol. **

**Category: Humor/Romance **

**Ship: Tommy/Kim**

**Disclaimer: I own zippo. Disney owns it all now. And sometimes they really suck, but the new PR:RPM so does not suck, so maybe they don't suck so bad or as bad as they used to suck when they really, really sucked... SUCK!**

**Authors Notes 1:This was spawned by a Sunday afternoon talk with Vivian (Rapunzl) from the Perfect Chemistry T/K, Sky/Syd board. Blame her if it sucks or if you laugh. She accepts praise in the form of cookies.**

**Authors Notes 2: This is told in P.O.V fashion, alternating from scene to scene with different characters.**

**Authors Notes 3: This is just meant to make you laugh.**

**Dedicated to: Vivian for being a nut job. Seriously, you will see a mental institution before age forty. And when you arrive I'll say hi cause Lord knows I'm gonna be there too.**

**I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it. ~~ Lyndon B. Johnson**

**My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield**

**"Behind every great man there is a surprised woman."  
-Maryon Pearson**

**They say love is blind...and marriage is an institution. Well, I'm not ready for an institution for the blind just yet. -Mae West**

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**(From the mind of Trini "Sabertooth Tiger" Kwan)**

**Old Rosary Cathedral Saturday, May 9, 2009 7:30 PM **

**Reefside, Ca**

You know, life's funny sometimes.

As I sit here outside this beautiful church on a gorgeous day while wearing this horrid yellow bridesmaid dress thats now covered with about ten percent of a seven-tier white chocolate wedding cake, I wonder to myself... could my life be any stranger? I mean really, I got recruited to be a Power Ranger as a teenager because I had an attitude, but I didn't have a attitude. I was nice to everyone I met. I was the most un-attitude having girl you could meet. But Zordon wanted a teenager with attitude and poof, I got beat up by a group of grey-spandex wearing retards and then I'm in a cheesy looking Command Center being talked to by a head-shaped cloud of smoke.

Yep, I teleported.

Like Star Trek style teleported. And I thought it was so cool, and not at all scary like when anyone teleported in the Fly movies.

At the time I was in that happy-go-lucky teenager mind state. I didn't process the massive amount of things that could of and should of gone wrong when I became a Power Ranger. And judging by this bit of cake I just fingered from my modest cleavage, that's some good cake. I could see Aisha thinking the same thing as we shared a smile. She's covered in cake too and in the same awful bridesmaid dress I'm wearing. This was Kim's big day and we were going to brave being seen in public in these dresses if it killed us. Who would have thought that statement would need to be taken literally.

Okay, so back to my crazy life. I was given a Power Coin, a Zord, and the responsibility of protecting the world when I had just begun studying for my drivers license test and thought Beverly Hills 90210 was the best thing ever. God, I'm old. And to think they actually brought that show back and have a couple of the original actors. Go figure. Anyway, as time passed I saw just about every type of object imaginable turned into a monster. I saw purses, lizards, umbrella's, radios, parade floats, lipstick, hair brushes, pigs, televisions, and even a fish transformed into towering creatures bent of destroying the world. Downtown Angel Grove at 4:00 PM most weekday afternoons made Palestine and Afghanistan look like Santa's workshop in terms of danger.

Yeah, we beheaded every last one of them.

Oh yeah, before I go any further. Kids, don't look up to Power Rangers. Seriously, just don't. We dealt with every single problem we had by getting a bigger, better, more mystical weapon than our enemies. And we often cut off their heads. Yeah, we used team work... building the bigger gun... we stuck together and believed in each other while assembling the gun. But at the end of the day we killed monsters. And we did it better than anyone who's ever done.

Kids, if you want inspiration look to the Boy and Girl Scouts of America.

Off topic for a moment, but there's an ambulance taking the Anderson's, a kindly elderly couple that brought Tommy and Kim a George Foreman grill as a wedding present, away to a nearby hospital. Thankfully, they just need some oxygen and rest. Me, I need a shower or a fork so I can eat more of this delicious cake off my dress. This is some good stuff.

So here I sit, eating cake and watching people walk by while talking about what will go down as the craziest attempted wedding in the history of weddings. Surely this will end up on Youtube. Myspace and Facebook accounts will be filled with photos of this fiasco. I bet this is on someones Twitter page right now. And I think I'm getting old, cause I just don't like Twitter. Anyway, I can see some kids with their Blackberry cell phones recording right now. Go for it. I'm not against technology. I like technology. And I like Billy.

If only he wasn't unconscious I might tell him after all this time. But I'm a big Ole emotional scaredy cat. I send criminals to jail. I like being a criminal attorney. I compile evidence and convict bad guys, then ship them off to prison to drop the soap in the shower and get what's coming to them right up the... Ahem, I just don't like addressing my non-existent love life, which would exist if I just walk up to that darn rocket scientist, grab him by the collar, and tell him that he is mine!

Yeah, like that's gonna happen. So we continue dancing this well practiced waltz of dating a little here and there, then backing off like a TV show where everyone knows the couple love each other but they just can't ever get together cause the writers know if they got together no one would like the show anymore. And one half of my ship, and I have named Billy and myself Bini in my head... hey, don't laugh at me. It doesn't sound anymore kooky than Bradgelina. Anyhoo, the Bini ship needs to set sail and soon. Just as soon as he wakes up...maybe... possibly... okay, I need some liquid courage.

Poor Billy. Struck by a bolt of... okay, I'm getting ahead of myself. But at least he's just gonna sleep a while.

This cake is so freaking good. Tommy must have paid a fortune.

Where was I? Oh, whatever. I'm all over the place. Today was supposed to be the culmination of nearly fifteen years of Tommy and Kim's world-wind romance of wonky weirdness and wishes. Today was my best friend's wedding day. The day she's been waiting for since we were children and she forced all her boy-friends at the time to marry her in her backyard, only to divorce them ten minutes later. She was a heart-breaker like that.

So now she finally had her White Knight back and the perfect white dress in a big white church with most everyone dressed in white. Aisha said everything was so white she wondered if she was still invited. We laughed our asses off while sitting with Kim, and then we took our places at the front of the packed church.

Tommy stood so proud with Jason, waiting for Kim. He was bouncing on his heels happy, and I adored how nervous he looked. He might have needed to pee. Actually, he did race off the alter and then back pretty quick. Yeah, he had to pee.

I remember that now, while watching city workers begin to remove the rubble from the church's now missing roof. I've never seen a church cave in before, but today is a ton of firsts. Perhaps next month's Rocky and Aisha wedding will remove the strange taste of this one. Only time can tell.

I thank a little boy for giving me a plastic fork, and then begin to dig into the cake. Sha and Tanya are sitting with me as we are eating a chunk of cake from the hood of the limousine that was supposed to whisk Mr and Mrs. Oliver away to their honeymoon. Now its serving as a plate for us retired Yellow Rangers. Yes, we eat cake off a car.

And we kick ass.

And contrary to Rocky's claims, we are not the Pee Rangers.

As I eat, and agree with Sha that we need one of those unopened bottles of Chardonnay, I recall the beautiful wedding march being played just ninety minutes ago. Kimberly walked with her father down the aisle and the moment was magical. Like really magical.

Like so magical that Lord Zedd and Rita appeared out of nowhere dead center in the aisle with an army of Putties and Tengas. To say we were all shocked, both ex-Rangers and guests alike would be the understatement of the year. I was flabbergasted. The evil duo announced their return in grand fashion as if it was normal to interrupt a wedding. I didn't know what to say.

Kim, however... look, she flat out snapped.

One moment I was staring at Kim and her dad, the next I saw a woman in a full wedding dress with train fighting Putties and Tenga's. Pretty soon all the ex-Rangers were fighting, jumping off chairs, flipping over guests heads, roundhouse kicking, and generally causing what will be the most talked about attempted wedding in history. We might all get on Oprah for this.

What Kimberly did to Goldar with two candle holders will go down in history as just plain wrong. And then Lord Zedd used magic to start tossing things around, including the entire seven-tier wedding cake. All us former Yellow Rangers leapt in front of it and splat, we were caked. We all had frosting in our hair, and sprinkles all over our faces. But on we fought, defending guests and trying to figure out how Kimberly was able to beat so many Putties in her wedding dress.

Tommy, Jason, Billy, Zack, Justin, Adam, and Rocky were leaping all over the places in their suits, kicking anything that moved. I think they were enjoying themselves, hi-fiving each other and taking off their jackets. The minister ran for his life, clutching his bible while sprinting towards the exit. Kim yelled after him to stop, but he refused. And when Tommy blocked a errant bolt of magic from Rita's staff with a silver tray, it ricocheted up at the roof, bursting straight through it. We all ran for cover as the church caved in, watching the amazing scene unfold.

When Lord Zedd realized that his return had failed, he attempted to shout that he'd be back. But that was hard to do with Kim's heel in his mouth as her kick cracked his mask. The future Oliver's opened a can of whoop ass on Rita and Zedd that was so unspeakably bad-ass and left them beaten and unconscious. Tommy was posing and stuff, cause thats what he does when he fights. I still don't know why, but whatever floats your boat. Kim was PMS mad. You know. That kind of woman mad that is just so angry there ain't no stopping it. Anyway, Adam used Billy's personal teleporter to send our old enemies far, far away where our Space Ranger buddies will take care of the rest.

And while I held the other half of the Bini ship in my arms, Rocky had the nerve to shout, "Oh my God, they killed Billy." And then Jason shouted, "Those bastards." Yeah, South Park humor. Red Rangers. Courageous yes, mature... not so much.

Kim and Tommy's beautiful white wedding turned into a disaster the likes of which will be talked about for many, many years to come.

Thankfully, no one was hurt. Kimberly's disappointment was muted by the unholy rage she took out on the bad guys. When she was done kicking all that ass, she fainted. Tommy carried her away while the guys all hit the bar cause... well... look, we just fought the forces of evil at a wedding. Drinks are on the house, baby.

Speaking of drinks, Sha, Tanya and I are busy getting toasty eating cake and knocking back champagne shots. We're covered in cake and the talk of the guests who are slowly making their way to their cars. We don't care. We're getting tipsy and cakealicious.

Later on tonight I'll check in with my play-sister. She'll be fine as she's waited a damn long time to marry Tommy. So this first try didn't turn out so well. No big deal. They'll do it again and get it right next time... right?

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**Chapter 2: What do Aisha, the Red Cross, and flying tree's have to do with each other. They all signal yet another Tommy and Kim wedding attempt.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: "Getting Hitched"  
Written by: Shawn Chapter 2/5**

**Summary: The second attempted wedding of Tommy Oliver and Kimberly Hart... emphasis on the word attempted.**

**Rating: PG-14 for language **

**Timeline/Spoilers: Everything that is canon throughout PR to the end of DT is canon here, lol. **

**Category: Humor/Romance **

**Ship: Tommy/Kim**

**Disclaimer: I own zippo. Disney owns it all now. And sometimes they really suck, but the new PR:RPM so does not suck, so maybe they don't suck so bad or as bad as they used to suck when they really, really sucked... SUCK!**

**Authors Notes 1:This was spawned by a Sunday afternoon talk with Vivian (Rapunzl) from the Perfect Chemistry T/K, Sky/Syd board. Blame her if it sucks or if you laugh. She accepts praise in the form of cookies.**

**Authors Notes 2: This is told in P.O.V fashion, alternating from scene to scene with different characters.**

**Authors Notes 3: This is just meant to make you laugh.**

**Dedicated to: Vivian for being a nut job. Seriously, you will see a mental institution before age forty. And when you arrive I'll say hi cause Lord knows I'm gonna be there too.**

**"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." ~~ unknown**

**"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"  
~~ George Carlin**

**"The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead."  
~~ unknown**

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**(From the mind of Aisha "Yellow Bear of Doom" Campbell-Desantos)**

**Y.M.C.A Gym **

**Temporary shelter opened by the Red Cross for victims of "Hurricane Amy Jo"  
Saturday, July 20, 2009 10:30 AM **

**North West Florida on the Gulf of Mexico**

You ever just wanted to choke somebody that you loved?

Like really choke them until they die? Not that end of the season on your favorite TV show kind of death where you know it will be fan-winked in the season premier next fall. Nah, I'm talking that sorta blind rage that requires high-powered, expensive attorneys to help you stay out of jail.

Okay, my inner Drama Queen was peeking out just then, but still. I think some choking was due in this situation. I mean really, its not every day a best friend lies to you about a natural disaster on the way just so she can get married.

See, I love people. I really do. I'm a perfectly sane, sometimes calm, caffeine-addicted, pet loving, happily married a nutty Red Ranger kind of adult. I like people. I'm very pro-humanity. I'm pro-animals. For crying out loud, I've pet a tiger in real life. I held a baby coyote. I spent time in Africa helping people. I don't routinely hurt people. I'm a people person. I like people more than Oprah. Dr. Phil and I would get along great. And I don't slap people. I want too sometimes, but I never do. Now I admit I'm guilty of shouting words at people who cut me off in traffic my dear late grandma wouldn't be so proud of, but for the most part I have never just wanted to choke someone... until today!

Cause less than one hour ago as I felt insane winds blowing so hard people were falling down all over the place I asked myself a universally, politically incorrect question...

Is Aisha gonna have to choke a bitch?

I really asked myself that.

Okay, sorry for the profanity, but when I am done spinning this tale you will understand. Cause I was that close to choking Kim!

I have known Kim for so many years now I almost can't remember not knowing her. I have Pre-Kim amnesia. And don't get me wrong... as I talk to myself, which is strange, I love Kim like a sister. I truly do. She's my girl. I would do anything for her provided it wouldn't get me arrested. And in 2001 I had that very point tested, but it's a story for another day.

As for today, all my girl wanted was a perfect barefoot wedding on a beautiful, sunny day set on a white sands beach.

What she got was a freaking Category 4 Hurricane that she oh so sneakily made sure we weren't aware of so that her second wedding attempt could go off without a hitch. Well, lets see how that went down.

The Y.M.C.A basketball court is nice and shiny and filled with tons and tons of people on small beds and chairs. Red Cross workers are attending to minor cuts and scrapes, while passing out blankets and water. Due to most people who lived near the beach having already been evacuated, most of today's guests are from the cursed Hart-Oliver Wedding. Or "Kim-ageddon 2," as my gloriously anal hubby so coined it. I'm sitting on a bench in a dirty, wet fugly yellow bridesmaid dress with my hair looking like I shoved my finger in a light socket. What little make-up I had time to put on has washed away and I desperately need a hot shower. I'm covered in a big, soft Red Cross blanket while trying to wrap my mind around today's wild events.

Oh, and at least I have clothes. Katherine's pink dress blew off. No, it literally blew off. Two hundred bucks just flew away to parts unknown. It's currently on its way to Mexico via a funnel cloud. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

See, after "Kim-ageddon 1," Ms. Hart recovered and planned her second wedding. Now understand that while Tommy is getting married too, he's mostly expected to simply show up, say his part, and look good. Little else was required, and bless his soul, he only wanted to give Kim her dream wedding. So when she decided on a barefoot beach wedding in the summer, we were all on board. What could go wrong? Nothing. That's what Kim said.

Apparently Mother Nature had other ideas.

We all knew a storm was coming, but apparently between late last night and this morning it got worse. Leave it to Kim to start banging on everyones door at 5:30 AM to go out to the beach early for the wedding to beat, as she put it "A wee bit of rain and wind." She said screw her hair and make-up, she wanted to get this done now and would hear no back talk on that subject. So we all trudged out of bed, sans showers, got dressed quickly, and hit the hotel exits.

How could I know that less than a hour later I would see tree's flying over my head! Literally, I watched palm trees flying over my head!

So sleepy and drowsy as we were, who were we to go against Kim? Its her day. The day all girls dream about. A woman is never, ever more dangerous than on her wedding day. You just gotta leave her be and give her what she wants. So we got our butts to the beach. All except Kim's cousin, James. He argued that Kim could wait a few hours until everyone got themselves together. He got in my girl's face, made his case, and refused to budge.

We don't know what became of him.

Yeah... we didn't even ask.

Damn, I don't even see him here.

Moving right along...

Perhaps our first real sign of trouble came when all the white chairs blew out to sea, along with the flower arrangements. And then the minister began making the sign of the cross over his heart as the skies darkened like the end of the world was right around the corner. The wind was whipping about so hard the red wedding carpet Kim had rolled out lifted off the sand and took out Tommy's parents. One second they were standing, the next they were covered in sand and struggling beneath the rug. I tried not to laugh. I really did.

But I failed.

So the sky turned so stormy and bleak looking it resembled the end of days. But was Kim deterred... oh no. My girl began shouting for the wedding band to start playing. She wanted her grand entrance and unless Jesus Christ himself was returning to Earth that very second she was determined to walk that non-existent aisle and get married or die trying. The band began running for her lives as all we could do was watch in shock. Tommy had to restrain his wife to be. Then poor Katherine's little pink dress flew off her slim frame, leaving her in a pale Victoria's Secret slip. Jason seemed to really like what he saw as he had to be hit in the head by Tanya's shoe before he rushed to her side with his suit jacket.

When Kim's Uncle Jim pointed out the towering funnel cloud over the Hilton Hotel in the distance, well... that was a sign that we all needed to get the hell off that beach. Never mind Kim yelling for everyone to come back. I felt sorry for my girl, and hugged her, but when she asked me to help her kidnap the minister... I knew she had lost it. All rationality was gone. She wanted to get married and damn any weather occurrence in her way.

And then there was poor Billy.

Hit in the head with a flying coconut from the wedding wreath, thankfully all he has is a concussion and the memory of hearing my husband yet again offer the pronouncement of "Oh my God, the storm killed Billy." This time Adam joined in while pointing at the sky, "You bastards." As I grabbed my husband's hand and we ran for our lives, I couldn't help but to laugh. I've run for my life from purse monsters, flying lipstick creatures, and even fought clones of myself. But you truly haven't lived until you've seen tree's flying over your head and the winds so loud you can't hear yourself talk.

Of course the sight of Kim in her white wedding dress draped over Tommy's shoulder kicking and screaming while he carried her away was very cute.

Back to the present. My husband's shooting hoops with the boys, Trini is tending to Billy and hopefully about to jump start the "Bini" ship as I think its the cutest sounding thing in the world. Never mind their ship sounds like a British guy's first name. You work with what you have. RocSha just isn't nearly as cool. And Aieky sounds odd and not even remotely romantic.

I cannot say enough good things about the selfless work the Red Cross does, or the quality of their hot chocolate. This stuff tastes so good. I'm gonna bring a big cup to Kim in a few minutes after she's done talking to Tommy. As angry as I am about her trying to get her wedding done even while knowing a Category 4 hurricane was coming, I still love my girl. She just wants to marry the guy of her dreams, and can't seem to catch a break.

Ohhh, look at Jason trying to mack on Katherine. I nudge Tanya and point, then catch Kim's eyes and show her too. Maybe something good will come outta this fiasco of a wedding. Do I see some some Kason in the future? Did it take a hurricane tearing a woman's dress off to open a Red Rangers eyes? Will I ever see Kimberly get married in a wedding that does not end in disaster?

And can they get the caterer from their first wedding, cause Trini and I really loved that cake. Man, it was cakealicious.

All in all Anton Mercer gave us former spand-sexy super heroes a free trip to Florida. I just can't complain about that. And aside form a little bruise on Billy's head, no one got hurt. So I'm just gonna smile away my frustrations, go get the someday bride-to-be some of this delicious hot chocolate, and hope against hope that "Kim-egeddon 3" goes off without a hitch, and the couple at the alter actually get hitched.

After all, third times a charm, right?

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**  
Chapter 3: Katherine laments a tale reminiscent of the Titanic.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: "Getting Hitched"  
Written by: Shawn Chapter 3/5**

**Summary: Katherine laments a curious tale reminiscent of the Titanic... somewhat.**

**Rating: PG-14 for language **

**Timeline/Spoilers: Everything that is canon throughout PR to the end of DT is canon here, lol.**

** Category: Humor/Romance **

**Ship: Tommy/Kim**

**Disclaimer: I own zippo. Disney owns it all now. And sometimes they really suck, but the new PR:RPM so does not suck, so maybe they don't suck so bad or as bad as they used to suck when they really, really sucked... SUCK!**

**Authors Notes 1:This was spawned by a Sunday afternoon talk with Vivian (Rapunzl) from the Perfect Chemistry T/K, Sky/Syd board. Blame her if it sucks or if you laugh. She accepts praise in the form of cookies.**

**Authors Notes 2: This is told in P.O.V fashion, alternating from scene to scene with different characters.**

**Authors Notes 3: This is just meant to make you laugh.**

**Dedicated to: Vivian for being a nut job. Seriously, you will see a mental institution before age forty. And when you arrive I'll say hi cause Lord knows I'm gonna be there too.**

**"When we got married I told my wife If you leave me, I m going with you.  
And she never did."  
~~ unknown**

**"Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, You re only interested in one thing, and you can t remember what it is."  
~~ known**

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**(From the mind of Katherine "Pink to the 2nd Power" Hillard)**

**On board a life boat Somewhere near the Bermuda Triangle Saturday, September 25, 2009 3:30 PM Around the east coast of Florida and Puerto Rico, in-between 80-90 degrees west and 30-20 degrees north.**

Today's a particularly strange day. And for me that's saying alot.

See, I've been off of Earth a few times. Yep, you heard that right. I've traveled to other planets. Three of them in fact. I've met aliens and even hugged a few. Nice guys, those aliens. They weren't all big eyed and ET-like either. Not that I have a problem with non-human looking aliens. What's a extra limb or eye to me? Nothing at all. I never discriminate. I'm talking about the kind and polite aliens with fashion sense who didn't really want to take over the world as much as see it. Tourist aliens. Non-Swine Virus having tourists aliens. I liked them.

I've been back in time too. I time traveled ala Star Trek. I know, I know... I'm a walking entry into Ripley's Believe It Or Not library.

I've been sent to alternate dimensions as well. More than one, actually. I've seen things. Losta things. Crazy things. Wild things.

THINGS!!!

Sorry, venting.

And I've even been turned into a cat. Yeah, I mean it. A real live cat. And for weeks after I was released from Rita's evil spell I still caught myself sometimes licking my forearm and them brushing it over my face. I did it unconsciously, mind you. And I totally freaked my mom out at the dinner table, but whatever. Oh, and I used to camp out in front of our living room fish tank for hours. Just... just don't ask. The point is I was turned into a cat. So as you can see, I'm used to strange happenings in my life. There's not much I haven't seen. Me and the weird aspects of the world are on a first name basis.

But as I gaze out over my gently rocking life raft at the sinking luxury yacht not far away, while the nearby Coast Guard officers secure the small hi-speed Pirate boats to the back of their larger vessel, I try to reconcile in my mind how thirty minutes ago I was attending the 3rd attempted wedding of Tommy Oliver and Kimberly Hart. It didn't matter to me how many times they tried just so long as they loved each other enough to keep trying and get it right. I recall telling Kimberly last night at the hotel bar over drinks that true love was worth waiting for no matter the trials and tribulations to get there.

She agreed with a dear smile. We toasted our glasses and then called it a night before her big day.

And now I know what its like to be on a boat attacked by Pirates. Real life Pirates. No, I didn't stutter. Actual Pirates! And when they came aboard our yacht I actually fought them before diving off the yacht as it began sinking.

Oh yeah, did I mention we're in the Bermuda Triangle?

WE ARE IN THE FREAKING BERMUDA TRIANGLE!

Looking decidedly handsome when wet, Jason's sitting next to me half-laughing, half-in awe at what has transpired. He keeps shaking his head and I know exactly how he feels. I know the recession has hit people hard, but if sea piracy has returned to the United States waters then I am truly going to need another drink tonight. That was the case as I battled Pirates on the high seas in a Versace pink dress that thankfully did not reveal my under garments for the world to see this time.

Although my goodies did snag me a new boyfriend. But still, I'm not that kind of girl. We former Pink Rangers do not strip in person. But behind closed doors... well... once a guy goes Pink, he never goes back.

Speaking of Pink, poor Kim. I adore the Original Pink Ranger like a sister, no matter that I'm closer to her fianc e. But Kim is going to probably need physiological help after today. And I'm not just talking about a one couch visit. She's gonna have wedding issues for many, many years to come. But I am determined to see her get married someday no matter what it takes. Kim and Tommy have taken the long, crazy back roads of twisting love to make it back to each other.

I will see that love justified!

There are several life boats floating around the one I'm in with everyones eyes glued on the still sinking luxury liner. Its a good thing Anton Mercer is a billionaire. Funding Kim's attempted weddings isn't cheap. Thick, dark clouds of billowing smoke lift in the air as the yachts front-end smolders and tips upward, sinking slowly from behind. Around me, the former Power Rangers are in varying forms of shock and awe. Zack and his date are taking pictures cause, well, who wouldn't. Poor Billy, who as a cute joke wore a motorcycle helmet to the wedding, still managed to get knocked unconscious. It probably saved his life as the first explosion sent him flying into a wall. Still, he was in Concussion City by the time Trini got to him. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning.

Okay, here goes. When I was sixteen years old I thought Tommy Oliver was hotter than the surface of the sun and his sweat tasted like Evian water. I would have eaten my dinner off his chest and when he smiled at me I knew my V-card could be clocked with a egg timer when he was around. I was that far gone for him, and I didn't care one bit. But as time passed I won a piece of his heart and we began dating. It was nice and sweet, but I couldn't get over my own insecurities that he still harbored feelings for Kim. It took us a long time and a couple of break-ups to get to a serious place in our almost five year relationship.

But ultimately we just couldn't get over that proverbial hump. Either he pulled back, or I got upset and went off on him. Or I pulled back and he accused me of being afraid to take that next step with him. Now don't get me wrong. That next step wasn't sex. We rocked there. We got each others V-cards and the T-shirts to match. But as we grew older I just didn't see a future as his wife. As a close confidant and best friend, yes. I could imagine that. But I just didn't want to marry him. And he didn't want to marry me either.

Still, we loved each other dearly. And that was enough.

While sixteen year old Katherine Hillard thought Tommy could walk on water and part the Red Sea with his ponytail tie, twenty-nine year old Katherine Hillard knows that boy has more issues than a Sports Illustrated archive. Love him, I do. Marry him, I won't. He belongs to Kim and that's cool. I might belong to Jason... we'll see.

Point is, I was the one who finally pushed Tommy to propose to Kim. One year ago we spent a whole Saturday together reminiscing about the past and each other. I loved how he talked about Kim, and the light in his eyes told me he was ready to ask her to be his wife. He just needed a little push. And a minor shove. A punch, and a tiny little roundhouse kick. Men are slow that way. But rest assured by the end of our talk he was dragging me into a jewelers to help pick out Kim's engagement ring.

All was right in the world.

Kim-ageddon 1 was so absurd in every possible way that its hard to try and wrap my brain around it. Kim-ageddon 2... okay, Kim kinda almost got us killed, but my near nakedness got me a great boyfriend. So I'm kinda fond of Kim-ageddon 2. But Kim-ageddon 3... it began like this.

For the attempted third nuptials, Anton rented this huge luxury yacht with twelve individual bedrooms. The guest list was widdled down to just close family and former Rangers this time. We had the best time the last two days cruising on this hotel-boat, as Rocky calls it. It far exceeded what I considered luxury and Kim adored it to no end. So did Tommy, who was glued to his fianc es side the entire time.

So we woke up today and began preparing for the short wedding ceremony. The band began playing... Tommy and Jason stood with the minister on the raised portion of the expansive front deck. The appropriate tears were shed by all, including myself as Kimberly and her dad began walking down our makeshift aisle. When Kim saw Billy wearing the helmet she literally kicked off a heel and threw it at his head. It bounced off. He laughed and pointed to the helmet. After giving him the finger, she kicked off her other heel, left it behind, and walked towards Tommy wearing the most beautiful smile.

This was it.

The big moment.

Finally!!

So when the four speed boats each began circling the boat we were stunned and scared. A lead boat featured a guy with a bullhorn shouting, "We will board your vessel and steal your shiny things and money. Do not resist us."

Having watched those scary scenes on CNN from the Pirates in Somalia earlier in the year, I feared they had guns. They didn't. And as happy as I was that they didn't, why would you pirate without a gun these days? Well it seemed as though these pirates intended to take pirating back to the old days. They all had swords and eye patches and began trying to board our ship while waving their pirate flags about.

Which I found amazingly shocking as A, we were being boarded by pirates. B, they had no guns. And C, half the wedding party were martial arts masters who had no problem beating their collective backsides just as soon as they climbed over the top. When Zack yelled "Pirates in 2009?!! Are you kidding me?!!" none of us could believe it. But as Trini began tearing into them with a laptop after one of their boats rammed our ship, knocking Billy into a wall that knocked him unconscious, I seriously wondered before throwing my first punch.

Is Katherine gonna have to choke a Pirate?

And choke a Pirate I did. The minister, band, and family members ran below deck to safety. The Pirates charged in as former Rangers and boat crew defended themselves. We were outnumbered, but the Pirates were far from skilled fighters and thought that their superior numbers would make us cave in. Well they all caved in within ten minutes as we beat them like something that gets beat often and badly.

It was as if those Pirates didn't realize the wrath of Kim, a woman who twice already was denied her wedding band, wasn't going to let anything stand in her way. She threw herself around the deck of that ship like the gymnast she was, albeit in a full length white wedding dress. I was truly impressed with her agility. And her hair looked awesome.

Unfortunately for Kim, a errant pirate boat skidded into the side of the yacht in a frantic attempt to flee and opened a huge gash. A small fire quickly grew even while the ship was taking on water. And while I was teary-eyed in the theaters watching Titanic, I never, ever wanted to live it. Of course watching Kim beg the minister to perform the ceremony anyway as the ship began sinking was a sight I will never, ever forget. She even sited the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie that a wedding could be performed on a sinking ship with fighting all around the wedded couple.

The minister dove off the side of the boat, with Kim screaming some very un-religious expletives at him.

After that, it took a moment to actually realize that I was on a boat that was sinking in the ocean after having been attacked by real live Pirates. The Coast Guard was called as we held a few of the Pirates captive by tying them up.

Alas, my Ninjettie past did answer one age-old question.

Ninjas can definitely beat Pirates!

The rest leapt overboard just before the yacht began going under. So here we sit, awaiting the bigger Coast Guard ship to take us on board. Aisha's assisting Rocky as he battles a bad case of sea sickness by hurling over the side of the boat. Trini is looking after Billy, now quite used to him being unconscious post a Kim wedding attempt. At least the "Bini" ship has officially set sail. Trini even noted to the sky, "Oh my God, Pirates killed Billy!" I quickly added the "Those bastards."

Hey, its a Kim wedding tradition now.

Tanya's showing Adam the two Pirate swords she's taking home as a souvenir, while Tommy was snuggling Kim in his arms. They're both actually grinning as the situation called for no less. Really, who could have predicted this? Somewhere in whatever was after this life, even Zordon's gotta be laughing his bald head off.

So here we are, stuck on lifeboats in the Bermuda Triangle watching a luxury yacht sink to the bottom of the ocean after being attacked by Pirates.

Say that three times fast.

At this point one thing and one thing only is going on in my mind. I'm gonna write a book about this. I shall title it "Kimberly Hart-Oliver and the Art of Surviving Wedding Disasters." I'm going to start on this book the day Kim actually does marry Tommy. And I hope that day isn't to far off. They truly love each other and deserve their wonderful day in the sun.

And I deserve a best seller.

As for me, I have my Jason, my dress is still on, I haven't flashed anyone, and no one was hurt except for the stupid Pirates who got what was coming to them. All in all... well, no one died. Kim will marry Tommy someday. I just know it.

Until then I shall prep for my book and try not to laugh at the insanity of Kim-ageddon 3.

Whatever awaits us in Kim-ageddon 4?

**********

**Chapter 4: A former Ranger wonders if even the Federal Government wants Tommy and Kim to marry.**


End file.
